Twilight RANT

Emotionless.

Just in time for the Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part DVD/BluRay release!!! No I'm not a fan of these films. At all. Breaking Dawn is the fourth book in the Twilight saga and is the fourth movie, and now we all patiently await part II of Breaking Dawn to end this nonsense. I've seen all four movies so far. Before I get into Breaking Dawn I have to admit that I did in fact read Twilight. The first book. My wife loved the books and burnt through them insanely fast. I didn't hate the book at all, to me it was more of a *rolling eyes every page* experience. The book is good at what it is: A female fantasy that paints a picture of the perfect man for every female in the world. So the next time your sleeping with your wife know that she's probably thinking about Edward Cullen. Or Jacob Black. And if she isn't a Twilight fan then she's thinking of Bill Compton or Eric Northman. So that's that.

See their expressions? Don't expect anything different.

I won't trash the movies like other phony people do based on the sole fact that the films are made for females to geek out to. I've seen a lot of reviewers complain more about that than the important reasons why the movies simply suck. A few male reviewers I've seen absolutely hate the fact that chicks are getting their own movies like Twilight and I think that's ridiculous. Us guys have our own geek flicks and women should too. I have no problem with that. My problem with the Twilight films are as follows:

• Every film so far has been rushed
• the script is god-awful
• the actors are awful
• the special effects are awful

I'll start with my first issue. Now it isn't like Peter Jackson here filming a marathon back-to-back-to-back like he did with Lord of the Rings and s doing with The Hobbit. The Twilight films have had different directors for each film. Catherine Hardwicke directed the first film, Twilight.  She directed Thirteen which was pretty good. She bombs here. The second film, New Moon, was directed by Chris Weitz. He and his brother directed American Pie. David Slade directed Eclipse. Slade directed Hard Candy! And 30 Days of Night! Breaking Dawn Part 1 was directed by Bill Condon who will also direct Breaking Dawn Part 2. Condon directed Kinsey. He even directed Gods and Fucking Monsters! So there's four directors who have made at last one movie worth noting, particularly Gods and Monsters. So what went wrong with each Twilight film? Let me break this down real quick. Kristen Stewert is the only one in this bunch of misfits that has done anything worth noting prior to this saga: Panic Room. With that out of the way and the fact that you now know the directors and their most famous works I'll state the obvious: Even those directors can't make bad actors/actresses tolerable. This cast wouldn't last a fucking day on a Stanley Kubrick set. He would have fired them.

Same blank faces... Nobody directing them.

Breaking Dawn Part 1 is the best Twilight film so far but that's like saying you prefer your grandmother's colostomy bag over your grandfather's. Here's the thing... the cast Summit Entertainment or whoever is responsible for is fucking terrible. Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black  is about as ferocious and intimidating as Shark Boy. Oh wait... Yeah that's a little after I stopped caring about Robert Rodriguez. Then we have Robert Pattinson... *sigh*... Where the fuck do I even start?? This guy sucks. He is absolutely fucking terrible. He isn't as awful as Shark Boy but he's pretty bad. I acquired a couple of Pattinson's flicks... Remember Me was one of them and that sucked. The other one was Little Ashes in which some dick hole genius thought it was a good idea to cast him as Salvador Dali. Every male cast as a Cullen or Black or whatever is a stiff. And all the chicks are just as bad which gives the films sort of a balance of suckiness. Seriously... these actors and actresses are that bad. Just look at the directors, they're talented and they can't even bring out an ounce of tolerable acting. Unbelievable. The funniest part is the best characters in this saga so far have been the Volturi, and out of four films they have less than 5 minutes of screen time. Dakota Fanning speaks like three lines and she does it better then the entire fucking cast!

Once again... both stand there not knowing what the fuck to do but stare.

Braking Dawn Part 1 is Edward and Bella getting married and her constantly being a dick tease to Shark Boy then Edward knocks her up and everyone is scared because the baby is growing rapidly inside of her stomach which could end up killing her so Edward and Shark Boy end up hating each other even more so when she finally pisses out the little vamp baby she dies but Edward bites her to save her live turning her into a vampire meanwhile Shark Boy falls in love with the baby. The End.

Much like the set of a George Lucas movie, nobody is objecting the bullshit.

That may be the greatest run-on sentence ever. And that's pretty much how your brain will work sitting through this mess. Like I said, I'm glad chicks finally have something to geek out over. I'm glad my wife can geek out while watching something but there is no denying it: These movies are bad. I used to like Kristen Stewert but these films are turning me against her. This is like George Lucas bringing out and loving the absolute worst an actor has to offer and selling it as gold. I simply cannot fathom why these films are as bad as they are. The worst part is this is the best these actors and actresses have to offer. This is their peak. This is the best they'll be. Ever. We'll never see one of these people nominated for an award that actually means something. Which is funny in and of itself since any award doesn't mean anything anyway. So That's my first issue, the directors absolutely failed on every single level imaginable which isn't really fair given what they had to work with. So the directing is a major problem but because of the extremely weak cast.

Director: Okay you just found out your daughter is knocked up, ACTION.

My next major issue isn't even the story. As I've said I don't care how cheesy it is, it's written that way to appeal to women, much like the Sookie Stackhouse books. They're both written by women who are envisioning the perfect man. I'm fine with that. So my other major concern is the special effects. These movies have amassed an enormous amount of money: $2,505,255,737. Yes. You read that right. That's over a quarter of a trillion fucking dollars and the special effects are a total fucking joke. How is that possible??? It doesn't register in my brain. Somebody, somewhere please explain this to me. You can find better effects on YouTube. What is the problem? Obviously behind the scenes nobody sees a problem because all the rich white assholes are laughing all the way to the bank! It's true. There is no other explanation other than 'nobody fucking cares because money is being made'.

Emotionless, blank stares from a bunch of gay werewolves. 

Back to the trash cast. Through four films everyone has the same blank fucking stare. Is anyone giving direction? Are their agents saying ; "maybe you should emote more?" Is somebody telling them what to do? I don't think so because THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME BLANK and EMOTIONLESS EXPRESSION. All of them! Every fucking frame!!! Every film! What happened to the days when a vampire was scary? Or epic? Or Tom Cruised?

Fan-Gasm Score: (All Four Films)

That's my rating. ZERO.

Here's a video of what I think about these films: