Paths of Glory

I said "Man... the fuck... UP". 

Kirk Douglas. I could pretty much end this Kubrick love fest of mine with just that: "Kirk Douglas". Above and beyond I choose Paths of Glory as my all time favorite war flick. Ever. Bar none. I don't need Tom Hanks marching a handful of soldiers to their deaths just to save one. I was hoping he'd get to go home to his wife and teach again. I didn't want Matt Damon to come home from that war but what the hell, you can't have everything right? I also wanted Tom Sizemore to survive.. but.. he went a totally different path. Paths of Glory is loosely based on a true story during WWI where French soldiers were executed by a General Mireau who is a complete douche bag. He's one of those annoying military guys who is totally gung-ho warmonger and thinks of doing nothing with your life except dying for your country, even if it means that the only other way out of dying for your country is being executed for not dying for your country. And he'll throw you out of his regiment should you show signs of cowardice (Shell-Shock... or for the more soft person; PTSD).

He could stare down a jumbo jet. 

Col. Dax (Kirk Douglas a.k.a Balls of Steel a.k.a Manliest Man of all Men in the History of Man) even tries to reason with the man... but he doesn't give a fuck. Despite Dax's valiant efforts there's simply no way the French can take out this German position. Dax does everything he can in court acting as their lawyer to save his men who are set to be executed. That's basically the whole flick. Oh and this is Kubrick so the men aren't freed and march off into a beautiful sunset. They fucking die. Executed in front of a whole fucking battalion of men. All because of one macho alpha male, I'm sure we have assholes like this floating around in our military. So I spoiled the entire movie for you in less than two paragraphs. But there's more to this movie than just that. The acting is superb. Kirk Douglas' stare is so intense it could probably move a fucking mountain. The guy is 95 years old and could bitch out any of your toughest friends... then he would take your girl and impregnate her.

This guy is a douche.

This 1957 flick is in black and white and proves that b&w is superior to color. Actually it isn't... that just sounded cool. Throughout the entire film you have to applaud Kirk Douglas because back then actors/actresses were trained differently. They were convincing from the get go, those people didn't need two movies and a reboot to flesh out a character. Those people were theater trained or whatever you want to call it. It was convincing. And it fucking worked. Some things Dax says are a little telegraphed but.. it still beats something like this. When Dax tries to overcome insanely impossible odds you actually think hes going to do it because... well... hes Kirk fucking Douglas! But he doesn't. The guy is just so freaking intense that his schlong probably looks like this when flaccid compared to yours while erect.

My favorite thing about Paths of Glory is the fact that there is zero gore yet it gets the point it wants across easily enough. Plus you dont need a ridiculously expensive surround sound system to fully enjoy the audio. It is Kubrick so it was filmed with 2.0 mono in mind. Remember... Kubrick was more interested in delivering the goods... not mindless eye candy. Of course one could easily chop this movie down into pieces since Americans are the only ones serving France during WWI but hey! You can't have everything right?

Fan-Gasm Score:

Hands down a 5-Star Film. It's just that good.