Then it Ruled... Now it Sucks: Mortal Kombat I

*yawn*

When this was released in 1992, every uptight American with a stick up their ass went full-on Fury-Mode because they didn't want anyone playing this game. And while those same douche-bags still fight their meaningless, non-winnable war, thankfully they're more irrelevant now than they were in the nineties. We could probably thank Ed Boon and John Tobias for starting this laughable crusade tightwads have against video games now.

The 'ole palette swap trick! Still alive and well 20yrs on!

Of course while those gutless turds were telling our parents they didn't want us playing the game, we all ate it up. Back then MK1 was the greatest thing since... well... probably Super Mario Brothers. The term groundbreaking gets thrown around a lot while speaking of the history of this franchise. But I'm not talking about the franchise, I'm talking about how this game, right now, is fucking awful. If it were released today it would bomb.

Toward, Down, Toward High Punch... I'l never forget those moves... or how much I hated doing them.

We can all rant and rave about how awesome it is to rip someone's spinal cord from their bodies but nobody can deny how clunky and unresponsive and sluggish this turd really is. Yeah I know, it's easy to rip apart a game that's twenty years old but it's definitely fun! While I'd still rank MK1 higher than any of that trash Capcom calls Street Fighter, it's still garbage. Graphically it was ahead of it's time but it's painful to look at now.

Offers absolutely nothing to the game or the experience

Button mashing didn't work much since the game was so sluggish anyway, however, button mashing was key during those stupid test your might mini games! I'll never forget the dick measuring contests in arcades and classrooms everywhere with those things, especially the higher ones.

You may have saved a week's worth of allowance to just get to Goro....

Goro was the first cheap character I remember. Sure, every single Nintendo game before it was filled with cheap shit but Goro was cheap in the sense that he was probably programmed to be cheap so you could spend more and more money trying. That's the shit I can't stand.

....but then just to beat Shang Tsung you'd spend another week's worth of allowance.

So there's my short rant about Mortal Kombat I. When somebody comes up to me these days and tells me the old I-had-a-bast-booting-up-the-old-MK1 story, I stomp their face in and tell them their full of shit. The gameplay is too sluggish to have any fun at all. The narrator or announcer or whatever he is sounds like he's dying and the music blows. Besides... who wants to boot up this heap of dirt when there's MKII and MK9? Simply put: Mortal Kombat I was awesome back in the day. Now it's a steaming pile of crotch rot.