House Hunting...

These past two weeks my wife and I have been house hunting. Our apartment is too small, we hate our neighbors and thats that. On one hand, house hunting is a pain in the ass because either what you want gets snatched up faster then you can act on it or there simply isn't shit or the house needs a lot of shit done to it. On the other hand though... you get to see how some people live. That's fun. Yesterday we journeyed to a house in Manayunk, a place which I have ZERO intentions on living. We looked at it just because. We wanted to see different houses blah blah blah. This house... first of all the streets in Manayunk are fucking awful. They're either extremely narrow or just flat out filthy looking. This street was both. So we met our realtor and we head on in the house and to our surprise, the person was still living in the house, but not for long. This is a foreclosure, so I don't know what the fuck this person was doing, maybe waiting it out I suppose. Anyways... We walk past her and her grilled cheese smelling kitchen and go into the basement. Shit Hole. The floor... we were standing on planks of wood. I don't know, maybe there was a Gary Heidnik like pit under them? Who knows. I had to stoop walking around in the closet sized basement, and I'm 5'9. THe powder room... This wasn't a powder room like normal people have. It was a hallway with a toilet in a hole in the wall. Literally. Overall it was a piece of shit. It was the size of a Hobbit house.

Next up... we a "Cape Cod" style home. DUMP. If the people who lived their took care of it, we may have considered. Fucking PACK RATS. The place smelled of old people too. The garage and driveway were filled with SHIT. People are fucking assholes...

Next up... Roxborough; Home. A few blocks from where we live now. This house was gorgeous! But... the people who were evicted with the foreclosure.... reeeeaaaaaally did a number on it. These pieces of shit took everything. No lie. They even took the central air unit! Cut the wires and actually took the fucking unit! Doors. Cabinet doors. Stove. Baseboards. Vents. Molding. WTF??? What kind of trashy pieces of shit would do such a thing? People who live in our neighborhood apparently. We really want the house but it needs a lot of work. We couldn't move in if we were to buy it today, thats how much damage these trashy people inflicted.

Hopefully this other house we'll be looking at this week is in good shape.

By the way... Eva Mendes has nothing to do with this post.

The Divine Comedy

Recently I began reading Dante Alighieri's The Divine Comedy, prior to which I had never read one line from it. I heard about it obviously as most people who don't live under rocks have. Though I do live under a rock in certain areas (me just discovering Eminem a month ago for example).

For years I've wanted to read it but kept pushing it off because what little I knew about it, I knew for certain it was a poem, something which I never had an interest in. Yet again, in a case of where the fuck have I been ensues. While not finished the The Divine Comedy, I've read Inferno and Purgatorio so far, just started Paradiso. Speaking of which, I must say, Paradiso is fucking BORING. I was actually looking forward to this book the most to see how he describes it. Alas, he doesn't. Not really. Anyways... What made me finally buy the book? The upcoming video game; Dante's Inferno. The game itself hasn't been released yet but, the demo is available for Xbox 360 and PS3, I have PS3. The whole point of this is its very inspiring. Still though... I can't help not to bitch about Paradiso... So disappointin, can't wait until I'm done reading it, such a slow read. Inferno is definitely the pick of the litter. Purgatorio is really good...

Fuck Christmas and all the Bullshit That Goes With It...

Dumbest movie of all time.

First and foremost, I hate the television during the Christmas season. You know, as an Atheist, I can handle all the boring Ben Hur movies during Easter. While stupid, some are sort of watchable. I guess I appreciate classic cinema if anything. But god damn, when Christmas rolls around there's this bullshit. I don't know if its tradition or what but tons of channels play this same fucking movie, 24 fucking hours a day. Why? Its totally unnecessary and makes holiday tv watching even worse. As if there isn't anything on to begin with you have to play this wretched movie nonstop around the clock? Fuck you.

Let Me Give a Shout Out....

I'd like to give a shout out to things that are fucking stupid (in no particular order)...

• Insane Clown Posse - No talent, "fuppet" studio pranksters.
• Christmas - Was probably created by some greedy piece of shit
• Easter - A day we willingly let our children feed their face with unhealthy candy.
• Creed - I don't even know if they're around anymore...anyways, the singer blows.
• Reality Shows - Everything about them makes me angry.
• Winter - Its fucking cold. Cold with no snow is fucking pointless.
• Lil John - His grill is fucking stupid on top of his unintelligible singing.
• 30th Birthdays - Self explanatory.
• My Job - Its fucking stupid.
• 
  

Bug (2006)

AWFUL.

As a self diagnosed 'entomophobic', I was skeptical about watching this movie. I hate bugs. I really hate them. In our apartment, my wife handles the bug duties. I don't know as I was younger bugs never bothered me at all. I would love it when I'm walking along and a bug pops out, I would squish. I didn't care what it was, even the praying mantises that everyone said 'don't kill them!' that would randomly appear in my parents yard or where ever, there would be no discrimination. Bugs are bugs. Fuck'em. Its funny though because ants don't bother me, or worms. Even spiders can comfortably live in my home until I find them and destroy them. But again, spiders don't bother me, they don't skeeve me. Those "stink bugs", or more appropriately those fucking beatles that seem to walk through walls no matter how protected your house is. Just when you think your windows and every crevice is sealed, one of these fuckers shows up on your lamp. The only way I dispose of these beatles are using empty water bottles and trapping them inside and slamming it around. Fuck them. The absolute worst for me though are roaches. From the tiny ones to the disgusting ones you find in the woods or downtown. They make me feel ill and skeeve the hell out of me. When I see one I want to get a shower thats how much they fucking bother me.

I refuse to watch any documentary about different cultures eating bugs for food. Fear Factor? Never watched it. Actually, never finished watching one episode. I'll never watch them. As someone who can sit through Cannibal Holocaust's rape scene and joke about it, I can't watch bugs as food. I can watch Schindler's List and laugh at Ralph Fiennes character's arrogance and ignorance. I can't watch bugs on television as gourmet meals. I also hate those other reality type shows where a person puts a relative on the show so everyone can see how infested their house is with bugs. Now that that's out of the way...

This movie BUG is on demand (comcast). The movie's descriptions was so far off the person who wrote deserves to die. So nothing is on and I see this. With "bug" as the titles, it skeeved me alone. I kept thinking the worst scenarios this flick could have. Turns out, there aren't even bugs in it. Its this crazy guy who is a paranoid schizophrenic. Blah blah blah, he meets this chick, bangs her and suddenly she's just like him. They think bugs are laying eggs under their skin etc etc etc...

The movie was fucking AWFUL. If you are an Ashley Judd fan then you could probably sit through this piece of shit to see her tits and ass. Other than that it fucking blows. It isn't the worst movie I've ever seen but its really bad. Definitely may be a runner up for William Friedkins' worst directed movies ever.

New Star Wars Film???

Credit for picture goes to whoever made it. I googled SW.

According to this article over at CHUD, musician Thomas Dolby says he hung out with a "Lucas guy" (who works with PS3, Xbox, LucasArts etc) and they talked about numerous things including; "Star Wars related show, movie and online games". Online games? Another one? Never got around to play 'Galaxies' so, whatever. But I am up to play any other Star Wars video game. TV Show? We'll see how that turns out. Chances are its going to be fucking stupid since George Lucas has said many times that main characters from the REAL trilogy wouldn't appear in it at all, they'd be mentioned. Don't get me wrong, whenever this tv show begins I will definitely watch it. Yeah, I am a sucker. I'll watch it to discuss with friends how stupid and unoriginal it is. A movie though? This should be stunning! (yeah right)...

Before I start ripping apart a movie that may or may not even be made, I am a huge Star Wars fan. Huge. I'm a geek. Star Trek fans are nerds (which might make me one as well since I loved the new one so much) but Star Wars fans are geeks. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. One day soon I'm going to review each Star Wars movie and rank them to see how they stand against each other. I know, its been done a million times over by a zillion different people. The original (read: REAL) trilogy is classic. All three of them. No matter how weak Return of the Jedi is compared to Empire Strikes Back, they're all timeless classics, the perfect equivalent to awesomeness. The prequels on the other hand... they're the equivalent of gonorrhea of the mouth. Fucking Terry Shiavo's corpse sounds like a better alternative and more fun of an activity than re-watching those wretched movies... but I will. I mean, I haven't seen them in years. I always hoped though that the prequels would get a nice Blu-Ray treatment, which we all know they'll show up on the BD format soon, because if anything, the prequels will look nice on BD.

When I do go and review the prequels movies, I'm going to pause it at each time I get frustrated and angry. I'll then write down said time and continue to log the moments of bullshit. Should be fun. While doing this I should also get multiple root-canals and have someone kick me in the balls to keep me motivated. Anyways...

This new Star Wars film, if it does exist and this douche bag didn't use it as a way to score a thousand website hits, I'm going to call it now: If George Lucas directs it, its going to be worse than that kiddy Clone Wars animated movie. If he doesn't direct it, it has the potential to be the best Star Wars film. I have an idea... Fuck a 'new' Star Wars movie... Fuck that. I don't want one anyway. How about this, lets get a director to remake the Prequel Trilogy! I'm talking re-write, produce and direct. I'm talking about J.J. Abrams. I think everyone will agree that he would more than likely make a bad ass Star Wars film. He'd probably give Empire Strikes Back a run for its money and the some. I want J.J. Abrams to remake the prequels without George Lucas even being involved in any way, shape or form. He'd only be mentioned in the credits like this: "Characters created by George Lucas". Yes. Fuck it, he would probably make Jar Jar Binks cool. No, thats going too far. Okay scratch him, take him out of the trilogy altogether. Everything else? Yeah, J.J. would do fine. How am I sure? That's easy:

JJ Abrams' Star Trek is better than 4 out of 6 Star Wars films.

No... I'm not an Abrams fanboy. In fact, I didn't have a fucking clue who he was until I seen Star Trek. And another thing... I've always hated Star Trek. Then I saw the new one and fugheditboutit. I fucking loved every minute of it. If George Lucas directs a new SW film its obviously going to rake in millions by the truck load, but that wont fool me. Look at Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen... That movie fucking blows. I'd take the first Twilight film over Transformers 2 any day of the week. So yeah... A new SW film minus George Lucas would be killer. If George Lucas is involved... ugh... Expect it to be another romp through space with muppets.

Then again... I don't believe the douche bag who started this. If you ask me Star Wars is finished for the silver screen.

Children's Books You'll NEVER See...

Recently an old best friend and I began talking... One of the things we spoke about is a list we compiled of children's books we'd love to see but would surely never see the light of day... Here is that list.

"You Were an Accident"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"

"Dad's New Wife, Robert"

"Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share"

"Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"All Cats Go to Hell"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption"

"Grandpa Gets a Casket"

"The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator"

"The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"

"Your Nightmares Are Real"

"Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School"

"Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Mommy Disappeared Because of You"

"Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say 'God Did It'"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"


"The Day Daddy Showed Me How to Use Those Long Balloons"

"Forget-Me-Balloon-Knots"

"Fag & Toad"

"The Youngster's Guide to Fisting"

"The Day Mommy Gave Me The Clap"

"You'll Never Amount to Shit Little Tommy!"

"No Lunch Money? Beat Up a Classmate!"

"12-Step Guide to Peeping up Skirts"

"Old Mother Humper"

"Granny's Dinner Specialty: Dry Roast Beef"

"Tea-Bagging Poppy"

"Granny's Pizza Dough Titties"

"Recess Rampage: Guns N Knives Edition"

"Peanutbutter & KY Jelly: That's What I like in my..."

"The Proper Way to Jump on a casket as it's being lowered"

"A Teeter Tot's Guide to Oral Sex"

"Suicide & Sex! The Stuff They Don't Teach You in School"

"Blowjobs By: BIG-Bird"

"Coochie! Coochie! Coo! The Pervert's Guide to Tickling"

"The Truth About Santa"

"Why Kermit's Voice Changed"

"Grandpa Doesn't Have the Flu, He's Dying"

"Don't Listen to Mommy, the Man in Your Closet is Real"

"The Chronicles of Cancer: Why Mommies Die"

"How to Financially Help your Parents by Running Away"

"That's Not Milk Your Mommy's Been Drinking"

"Having Fun With Grandma's Colostomy Bag"

"Uncle Dave is Dying from AIDS"

"Close Encounters of the Catholic Kind"

"Spousal Abuse 101, by Ike Turner"

"Fun With Fireworks: The Proper Way to Scare War Vets!"

"Clowns are Monsters"

"Parents Pay For Your Teeth...Not the Tooth Fairy"

"The Truth Behind Ronald McDonald's Smile"

"Don't Be Rude, Say Hello To Strangers"

"Pray Jesus Loves YOU! Because Your Parents Don't!"

"Daddy Beats Mommy Because of You"

"Daddy isn't on Vacation...The Boogieman Killed Him"

"Dealing W/ Abusive Parents - Foreword By: Joe Jackson"

"Ignore Your Parents By Smoking Weed"

"Bathing With Electrical Appliances"

"Use Stealth to Tie Weights to People's Feet in Swimming Pools"

"Don't Waste Your Time Studying: The Cheater's Guide To Passing Tests and Exams"

"Don't Mope! Spreading Your STD's the RIGHT Way"

"Condoms Are For Suckers"

"Guns in School: The Expert's Guide To Show & Tell"

"Dora 'goes exploring ' the College Years"

"Soda Cans, Fishing String & Fish"

"Peeling Skin Off Salamandors"

"We Don't Have Time to Care for You Little Johnny"

"BE The Bully in the Schoolyard"

"Pimping Girls In Your Class"

"Janies Knocked Up...Now Leave Her"

"Crying & Whining Leaves Welts & Bruises"

"Little Tommy...Those aren't Your Real Parents"

"Thunderstorms & The Evil Kid-Eating-Clown Under Your Bed"

"Mommy Sends You to School 'Cause She's Sick of You"

"Grannys Dead & You'll Never See Her Again"

"Parents Don't Bury Dead Pets...They Throw Them Out"

"The Birds & the Bees: The Truly Illustrated Story"

"Monsters in the Basement"

"Beginner's Guide to Self-Mutilation"

"Black-mailing Your Teacher for That Passing Grade"

"Laughing at Handicapped People: The Do's & Must Do's"

"It's Now or Never: Getting Deflowered"

"Fun W/ Razorblades Presents:
Remember Kids! It's Down the Road Not Across the Street"

"Running With Scissors"

"Jack & Jill: Gets Crank & Pills"

"Dealing W/ Hard-ons in Class"

"Ignore Your Parents & Play in the Street"

"Ruining Funerals: The Kids Guide to Scene Causing"

"Controlling Kids: Striking Fear Within"

"The Element of Surprise: Cream-Pie"